My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
