Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
