I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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