Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize