If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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