It's Friday. Sex?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
