I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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