as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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