Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize