oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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