they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Your penis caused this!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
