That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
