you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
