he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
