weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
