he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
