I am puke
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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