The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
