and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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