When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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