there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
