On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize