i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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