Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
