don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
