My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
