If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
