You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
