my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
