i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
