Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
