see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
