Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
