I wish I could teleport
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
