i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
