I wish I could teleport
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
