Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
