Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
