I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
