Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Enjoy the penises
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
