Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize