i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
