I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
