I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize