Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
