Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
