just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
