hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
