is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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