he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize