Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
