im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
