I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
