I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
