gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
