I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My vagina just clenched in fear
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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