Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
